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Sales Manager: “What are we going to do, our Chees-It Party Mix just isn’t selling!”

Brand Consultant: “Have you tried replacing the ‘S’ of Cheese with a ‘Z’ to get down with the kids?”

Sales Manager: “Of course we have, we’re a cutting edge, feel good, party brand … but it’s still not working. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

Brand Consultant: “Don’t worry dear client, at IntergalaticBrand we pride ourselves on finding the most innovative, effective and brand-centric solution to any marketing problem, so for the extremely competitive price of just 3 million US dollars [cash up front] we will use our proprietary tools and methodology to find the right solution FOR YOU …”

Sales Manager: “3 million you say? That seems pretty good value to me. Do it.”

SIX MONTHS LATER

Brand Consultant: “Hello.”

Sales Manager: “Hello. What have you got for me?”

Brand Consultant: “Well we’re really excited to be here today because we have found the solution that will put ‘Cheez-It Party Mix’ back on the map.”

Sales Manager: “Wonderful, wonderful … tell me more.”

Brand Consultant: “Well after a deep dive into the category and utilising our proprietary tools and services, we identified where your brand was failing to connect with consumers and after months of rigorous creative development and research, we would like to present to you the future of Cheez-It …”

Sales Manager: “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You’ve changed ‘Party Mix’ to ‘Snack Mix’ using one of the worst fonts in Microsoft Word and then, to reiterate the change that people may not notice and certainly won’t care about, you’ve put the old name in the top right hand corner so it seems like we’ve made a major change to the product when in reality, we haven’t. Is that correct?

Brand Consultant: “That’s exactly what we’ve done, you’re one smart client. We used our proprietary ‘illusion of advancement’ tool or -’pisstake’ for short – to create a new name that means people won’t see your brand purely as a product that should be consumed at party times, but any time they fancy a snack … and after our research showed the inflation rate of snacking currently running at 68.932%, we know this is the strategy to move your brand to the top where it belongs.”

Sales Manager: “That is brilliant. BRILLIANT. And all for just US$3 million? How on earth do you do it?”

Brand Consultant: “We’re here to make the World of business a better, happier place. Now if you could just sign our expenses sheet of US$2 million, we’ll be on our way because we know you’ve got a flood of sales to manage.”

Sales Manager: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

Brand Consultant: “HA HA HA HA!”

The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!].

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